4. The feminist proposal of exclusively female courtship initiation
4.7. There is no need for another rule regarding the courtship, but to update the courtship traditional pre-steps and rules to the contemporary lifestyle
This article continues the previous one
I have shown in this article, , the traditional pre-courtship rules. These rules and stages are as well embedded in the human consciousness of the courtship as the social norms. Most people instinctively follow these rules. Those who violate them are a minority. The society does not clearly affirm them, but tradition has always promoted the patience, not only in loving relationships, but in all human activities. In the bellow document on Social Etiquette and Good Manners, on the page 8, it can be seen that the patience is one of the characteristic of the rule of the first meeting a woman for courtship purposes.
The protection and focusing on women's interests and needs are part of the courtship prior rules that are covered by this traditional Social Etiquette. Unfortunately, the humble social condition people did not have access to it and usually they do not much know about.
Today the internet access has allowed such contact but some of its rules are no longer in line with the gender equality contemporary society natural feminism. Here is the case with the rule number 3, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 16, 19, 21 and partly 14 of this courtship prior rules set. . Regardless these rules variations, we recognize in them a common denominator in every each of them and that is the man given superior status in society and inside the family. And that's why these norms clearly stated by the high society have become obsolete nowadays.
Thus, although they worked well in a traditional society, they have become slightly inapplicable today. We live in a new society. The frequent job changes in the contemporary society made them unusable. The contemporary mobility and the corporate mindset made the human relations to change. There is no time for putting in practice these rules and pre-courtship stages in the way they have been traditionally consolidated. Besides the lack of time, the contemporary society specific isolation brings with it the lack of friends. This implies both selecting a partner narrowing horizon and weakening the second pre-courtship rule, which is introducing through the close ones. The pressure of loneliness and the sexual impulses eventually ignore this rule. It is highly ironic that in an overcrowded world, some people may not find the right half love partner.
The social dynamics, the freedoms resulting from the social classes boundaries stretching have led to social rules wide confusion. The possibility of pregnancy termination or of the treatment for a possible sexually transmitted disease has made women more open to forgetting these both pre-existing and actual courtship rules and stages. Therefore the courtship traditional general rules have become abandoned or weakened. A cyclical lifestyle, with ups and downs, with changes the entourage, friends or even family, can allow them to give up these traditional rules. The adolescents tend to constantly jump over them, due to their rush to become adults. But the love failures they keep experiencing once they reach adulthood make them go back to them rather than go on their own with creating personal norms. The traditional norms renunciation only because they are old, has brought unimaginable problems, such as the risks of abuse and mental suffering at one specific time for everybody. The contemporary lifestyle has abandoned them, but they were created precisely to prevent the emotional abuse that results once again out of ignoring them. So it is the case now that these norms get dust cleaned and reused in the society, there where they do not conflict with the gender egalitarianism mentality. Not everything that is tradition is unusable as to be vehemently rejected.
a. The risks of total renunciation of the pre-courtship stages and rules
In the past, the couples were formed in the community and partners rarely left each other. In addition to the unsatisfied sexual impulses frustrations, in the past the choosing of a partner was made after the couple fidelity interests. In traditional western urban agglomerations, the couples were formed based on their parents' experience of choosing the best partner for their sons and daughters. The main criteria for choosing a life partner were not those of today. The beauty, the exceptional, the extraordinary, that we seek today for our life partner, was secondary criteria in the past. However people also were very similar one another as mainly they had the same occupations. But the most important criterion of forming a couple was the partner health so the two live together as much as possible. If one of them would have gotten ill or died young, then the remaining alive chances to reunite with another partner were small. For this reason, the marriage was a life strategy that involved the entire family.
Unlike those times, today's couples form following a special affection that the partners feel for each other. The premarital love was not specific for the times when the courtship stages crystallized in the animal world. The love between the partners came after the couple formed. In the Western contemporary society this is rarely the case. Today the most important thing for a relationship is that sparkling that makes the person in love to dream of, other than the potential partner health. In the absence of this spark, the woman does not accept to go to pre stage 5 . Separately or in continuation of this sparkling, the interests of the partners depending on the level of civilization also change. Recently the radical differences in options and frequency of libidinal impulses have appeared. They do not necessarily create incompatibilities in the couple, but no satisfaction. So the contemporary people increasingly test this side, as sexual preferences become more and more eccentric.
I have shown in this article that there is a psychopathological background that rejects in any way any male courtship initiation, no matter how discreet it might be. Close to this category are the women who either have a hyperlidinal partner, or who have a low sexual desire . But not all women's refusal to accept the courtship is due to the psychopathological symptoms. A normal woman does not accept courtship mainly due to the fact that the man does not meet the 4-th rule criteria or the 3-rd prior stage. If a man skips this stage in courtship initiating, then the woman can interpret his gesture as evaluating her as a prostitute. Which is not exactly what the women want from a relationship ... In the same way it can happen the other way around: a man who is prompt with an overly explicit courtship proposal from a woman may misinterpret her as a prostitute, although she may even want to build a stable couple relationship.
If we were a species with few individuals, then the mating from the pure chance of any partner meeting would be justified by the need for species survival. This is probably what those who want such relationships want. But we are not. We are the predator species with the largest population. So the women are forced by their own sexual instinct to be selective, by the female sexuality principles as it exists even in the mammal world. Socializing with a woman, friendship relations with her on different levels of interaction does not mean that she is automatically willing to accept a loving relationship with her social partners. Yes, there is the reality of friendships with benefits, but such a thing cannot become a universal rule. Whoever does not learn this will have no female friends in the family or in the community, but only subordinates who execute unemotional orders.
Some of the traditional society rules are sexist, discriminatory. I have shown above how the Social Etiquette and Good Manners have become obsolete. Social rules are not given once and for all. They change with society itself. In the same way, the courtship rules have changed and are constantly changing as the society itself does. These can be accelerated and thus the contemporary need for time can be satisfied. However, they should not be abandoned altogether. Once they are cleansed of these conflicts with contemporary society, they must be put back in human behavior. The patience promoted by that Etiquette from the previous link on page 8, is a rule that the courtship must keep. No other courtship rules should be invented that roughly contradict the traditional ones, just because they are traditional but only because would contradict the gender equality, contemporary liberties and group minorities dignity. Not all the traditional rules contradict these contemporary values. The traditional society rules must be viewed with more respect and understanding and use from there what is good and functional in today's society.
Both the theory of the courtship exclusive female initiation and the unknown men explicit approaches come ignore these traditional preceding rules and stages for courtship. Those who support them did not receive education concerning them, or can afford to ignore them due to their high social status. Those raised in humble social condition don't know they exist. In their families the marriages were arranged by their parents or were a rape consequence that later turned into marriage at the families or justice pressure. There's none to blame for that. Most of us have a humble social condition. And this is not bad and not even shameful. It is rather shameful what the upper classes did when either conquered or attracted the "barbarians" in the state of social inferiority. But, now that they have regulated these courtship rules, everybody can take and use them as general rules in the society. It is not necessary to reinvent the wheel, but to take over what the society has already experienced before.
b. What can be kept from the prior to the courtship traditional rules and stages
It is the dialogue. Building couple relationship coming from both partners will remain a perennial value in the courtship. It has been clearly affirmed by the Social Etiquette and Good Manners in the past and must be preserved in the future. This is a rule of the ancestral background of the female sexual instinct and will be perpetuated for a long time from here by the power of its deep consolidation in the biological background. This has been done constantly and in the past, without explicitly detailing the process where no Etiquette was verbalized. Except in cases where one of the partners has a depressive, dependent or avoidant psychopathological conformation, the both couple members, not just one of them, be it a woman or a man, must participate in the construction of an intimate relationship. The emotional and physical closeness must be achieved gradually by mutual acceptance of the progress in the relationship. These levels of construction of the couple's relationship must be made by discrete signs, which give the potential partner, woman or man, the possibility of elegant refusal, without being put in difficulty, if the person interested in forming a couple is not wanted.
The discrete sign means that gesture or expression that is widely used outside the couple's relationship. Greeting is such a sign. The unique attempt to attract a woman's attention by a man through a smile, greeting or conversation initiation, which is a discrete courtship initiation, is normal as that of the woman towards a man. The compliment can be such a sign if it does not refer to the woman physical intimacy. For example, a compliment for the woman dresses is such a discreet sign. A compliment may become too explicit if it refers to her body.
These signs are sufficient. The woman understands man’s intentions and she will go to the 5th stage of acceptance, if she considers it appropriate. Most women who support the theory of the exclusive female courtship initiation have exactly this stage in mind, which accords also with the courtship traditional rules. But I will show in the following articles that the radical feminists understand and pursue something else from this stage.
Men generally make a big mistake when they send more explicit courtship messages to a woman who replied with less intimate message to their previous messages. If these signs launched by the courtship initiating person are too explicit then they invariably put the other person in a mess, as she does not want to construct of a couple relationship with that person. Any person, whether male or female, should be given the option of discreet refusal to courtship. Only if the woman responds in the same direction, with more explicit messages than those of stimulation coming from the initiating person, then the signs can become explicit, and eventually move to the couple approaching. Otherwise, the chances of getting close are very low and the courtship efforts are meaningless.
The courtship traditional pre rules consolidate the gradual intimacy between the couple members. All we have to do is adapt them to the contemporary speed. The intimacy between the partners must be done gradually, regardless of whether it is fast or not. In this case it does not matter if the man or the woman initiates the court; if the degree of discretion gives the other person enough room to refuse the courtship continuation, without being put into difficulty, then things are solved by themselves and these problems that some women complain about would no longer exist. There is no need to reinvent the wheel. It is not necessary to introduce this new rule of exclusive female courtship initiation, but just taking and adjusting these already traditionally given norms to the contemporary way of life.
There are two situations in which these principles are radically violated. The first is that of the men who offer too explicit courtship initiation signs and leave no room for the approached woman elegant refusal. The other is that of the discrete sign wild interpretation as sexual harassment or rape by the radical feminism. I will continue to analyze each in the next article .
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