4.7. There is no need for another rule regarding the courtship, but to update the courtship traditional pre-steps and rules to the contemporary lifestyle

4. The feminist proposal of exclusively female courtship initiation 

4.7. There is no need for another rule regarding the courtship, but to update the courtship traditional pre-steps and rules to the contemporary lifestyle 

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I have shown in this article, ,  the traditional pre-courtship rules. These rules and stages are as well embedded in the human consciousness of the courtship as the social norms. Most people instinctively follow these rules. Those who violate them are a minority. The society does not clearly affirm them, but tradition has always promoted the patience, not only in loving relationships, but in all human activities. In the bellow document on Social Etiquette and Good Manners, on the page 8, it can be seen that the patience is one of the characteristic of the rule of the first meeting a woman for courtship purposes.



The protection and focusing on women's interests and needs are part of the courtship prior rules that are covered by this traditional Social Etiquette. Unfortunately, the humble social condition people did not have access to it and usually they do not much know about.

Today the internet access has allowed such contact but some of its rules are no longer in line with the gender equality contemporary society natural feminism. Here is the case with the rule number 3, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 16, 19, 21 and partly 14 of this courtship prior rules set. . Regardless these rules variations, we recognize in them a common denominator in every each of them and that is the man given superior status in society and inside the family. And that's why these norms clearly stated by the high society have become obsolete nowadays.

Thus, although they worked well in a traditional society, they have become slightly inapplicable today. We live in a new society. The frequent job changes in the contemporary society made them unusable. The contemporary mobility and the corporate mindset made the human relations to change. There is no time for putting in practice these rules and pre-courtship stages in the way they have been traditionally consolidated. Besides the lack of time, the contemporary society specific isolation brings with it the lack of friends. This implies both selecting a partner narrowing horizon and weakening the second pre-courtship rule, which is introducing through the close ones. The pressure of loneliness and the sexual impulses eventually ignore this rule. It is highly ironic that in an overcrowded world, some people may not find the right half love partner.

The social dynamics, the freedoms resulting from the social classes boundaries stretching have led to social rules wide confusion. The possibility of pregnancy termination or of the treatment for a possible sexually transmitted disease has made women more open to forgetting these both pre-existing and actual courtship rules and stages. Therefore the courtship traditional general rules have become abandoned or weakened. A cyclical lifestyle, with ups and downs, with changes the entourage, friends or even family, can allow them to give up these traditional rules. The adolescents tend to constantly jump over them, due to their rush to become adults. But the love failures they keep experiencing once they reach adulthood make them go back to them rather than go on their own with creating personal norms. The traditional norms renunciation only because they are old, has brought unimaginable problems, such as the risks of abuse and mental suffering at one specific time for everybody. The contemporary lifestyle has abandoned them, but they were created precisely to prevent the emotional abuse that results once again out of ignoring them. So it is the case now that these norms get dust cleaned and reused in the society, there where they do not conflict with the gender egalitarianism mentality. Not everything that is tradition is unusable as to be vehemently rejected.

a. The risks of total renunciation of the pre-courtship stages and rules


In the past, the couples were formed in the community and partners rarely left each other. In addition to the unsatisfied sexual impulses frustrations, in the past the choosing of a partner was made after the couple fidelity interests. In traditional western urban agglomerations, the couples were formed based on their parents' experience of choosing the best partner for their sons and daughters. The main criteria for choosing a life partner were not those of today. The beauty, the exceptional, the extraordinary, that we seek today for our life partner, was secondary criteria in the past. However people also were very similar one another as mainly they had the same occupations. But the most important criterion of forming a couple was the partner health so the two live together as much as possible. If one of them would have gotten ill or died young, then the remaining alive chances to reunite with another partner were small. For this reason, the marriage was a life strategy that involved the entire family.

Unlike those times, today's couples form following a special affection that the partners feel for each other. The premarital love was not specific for the times when the courtship stages crystallized in the animal world. The love between the partners came after the couple formed. In the Western contemporary society this is rarely the case. Today the most important thing for a relationship is that sparkling that makes the person in love to dream of, other than the potential partner health. In the absence of this spark, the woman does not accept to go to pre stage 5 . Separately or in continuation of this sparkling, the interests of the partners depending on the level of civilization also change. Recently the radical differences in options and frequency of libidinal impulses have appeared. They do not necessarily create incompatibilities in the couple, but no satisfaction. So the contemporary people increasingly test this side, as sexual preferences become more and more eccentric.

I have shown in this article that there is a psychopathological background that rejects in any way any male courtship initiation, no matter how discreet it might be. Close to this category are the women who either have a hyperlidinal partner, or who have a low sexual desire . But not all women's refusal to accept the courtship is due to the psychopathological symptoms. A normal woman does not accept courtship mainly due to the fact that the man does not meet the 4-th rule criteria or the 3-rd prior stage. If a man skips this stage in courtship initiating, then the woman can interpret his gesture as evaluating her as a prostitute. Which is not exactly what the women want from a relationship ... In the same way it can happen the other way around: a man who is prompt with an overly explicit courtship proposal from a woman may misinterpret her as a prostitute, although she may even want to build a stable couple relationship.

If we were a species with few individuals, then the mating from the pure chance of any partner meeting would be justified by the need for species survival. This is probably what those who want such relationships want. But we are not. We are the predator species with the largest population. So the women are forced by their own sexual instinct to be selective, by the female sexuality principles as it exists even in the mammal world. Socializing with a woman, friendship relations with her on different levels of interaction does not mean that she is automatically willing to accept a loving relationship with her social partners. Yes, there is the reality of friendships with benefits, but such a thing cannot become a universal rule. Whoever does not learn this will have no female friends in the family or in the community, but only subordinates who execute unemotional orders.

Some of the traditional society rules are sexist, discriminatory. I have shown above how the Social Etiquette and Good Manners have become obsolete. Social rules are not given once and for all. They change with society itself. In the same way, the courtship rules have changed and are constantly changing as the society itself does. These can be accelerated and thus the contemporary need for time can be satisfied. However, they should not be abandoned altogether. Once they are cleansed of these conflicts with contemporary society, they must be put back in human behavior. The patience promoted by that Etiquette from the previous link on page 8, is a rule that the courtship must keep. No other courtship rules should be invented that roughly contradict the traditional ones, just because they are traditional but only because would contradict the gender equality, contemporary liberties and group minorities dignity. Not all the traditional rules contradict these contemporary values. The traditional society rules must be viewed with more respect and understanding and use from there what is good and functional in today's society.

Both the theory of the courtship exclusive female initiation and the unknown men explicit approaches come ignore these traditional preceding rules and stages for courtship. Those who support them did not receive education concerning them, or can afford to ignore them due to their high social status. Those raised in humble social condition don't know they exist. In their families the marriages were arranged by their parents or were a rape consequence that later turned into marriage at the families or justice pressure. There's none to blame for that. Most of us have a humble social condition. And this is not bad and not even shameful. It is rather shameful what the upper classes did when either conquered or attracted the "barbarians" in the state of social inferiority. But, now that they have regulated these courtship rules, everybody can take and use them as general rules in the society. It is not necessary to reinvent the wheel, but to take over what the society has already experienced before.

b. What can be kept from the prior to the courtship traditional rules and stages


It is the dialogue. Building couple relationship coming from both partners will remain a perennial value in the courtship. It has been clearly affirmed by the Social Etiquette and Good Manners in the past and must be preserved in the future. This is a rule of the ancestral background of the female sexual instinct and will be perpetuated for a long time from here by the power of its deep consolidation in the biological background. This has been done constantly and in the past, without explicitly detailing the process where no Etiquette was verbalized. Except in cases where one of the partners has a depressive, dependent or avoidant psychopathological conformation, the both couple members, not just one of them, be it a woman or a man, must participate in the construction of an intimate relationship. The emotional and physical closeness must be achieved gradually by mutual acceptance of the progress in the relationship. These levels of construction of the couple's relationship must be made by discrete signs, which give the potential partner, woman or man, the possibility of elegant refusal, without being put in difficulty, if the person interested in forming a couple is not wanted.

The discrete sign means that gesture or expression that is widely used outside the couple's relationship. Greeting is such a sign. The unique attempt to attract a woman's attention by a man through a smile, greeting or conversation initiation, which is a discrete courtship initiation, is normal as that of the woman towards a man. The compliment can be such a sign if it does not refer to the woman physical intimacy. For example, a compliment for the woman dresses is such a discreet sign. A compliment may become too explicit if it refers to her body.

These signs are sufficient. The woman understands man’s intentions and she will go to the 5th stage of acceptance, if she considers it appropriate. Most women who support the theory of the exclusive female courtship initiation have exactly this stage in mind, which accords also with the courtship traditional rules. But I will show in the following articles that the radical feminists understand and pursue something else from this stage.

Men generally make a big mistake when they send more explicit courtship messages to a woman who replied with less intimate message to their previous messages. If these signs launched by the courtship initiating person are too explicit then they invariably put the other person in a mess, as she does not want to construct of a couple relationship with that person. Any person, whether male or female, should be given the option of discreet refusal to courtship. Only if the woman responds in the same direction, with more explicit messages than those of stimulation coming from the initiating person, then the signs can become explicit, and eventually move to the couple approaching. Otherwise, the chances of getting close are very low and the courtship efforts are meaningless.

The courtship traditional pre rules consolidate the gradual intimacy between the couple members. All we have to do is adapt them to the contemporary speed. The intimacy between the partners must be done gradually, regardless of whether it is fast or not. In this case it does not matter if the man or the woman initiates the court; if the degree of discretion gives the other person enough room to refuse the courtship continuation, without being put into difficulty, then things are solved by themselves and these problems that some women complain about would no longer exist. There is no need to reinvent the wheel. It is not necessary to introduce this new rule of exclusive female courtship initiation, but just taking and adjusting these already traditionally given norms to the contemporary way of life.

There are two situations in which these principles are radically violated. The first is that of the men who offer too explicit courtship initiation signs and leave no room for the approached woman elegant refusal. The other is that of the discrete sign wild interpretation as sexual harassment or rape by the radical feminism. I will continue to analyze each in the next article .

Gabriel Baldovin

4.6. The courtship pre-initiation stages. The exclusive female courtship initiation conflict with the biological nature

4. The feminist proposal of exclusively female courtship initiation

4.6. The courtship pre-initiation stages. The exclusive female courtship initiation conflict with the biological nature

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This section reveals an argument against the male courtship initiation. The theory of exclusive courtship female initiation seems totally justified in this context. The fear of serial killers is our society reality that the authorities are trying to strip and camouflage in their characteristic style. But in the previous section I showed that even the exclusive female courtship initiation is not a solution to stop the sexual crimes and the emotional abuses. In fact, any street courtship initiation, whether coming from a man or from a woman, is problematic; the risk of meeting a sadist from the position of courtship initiator is as big as that of accepting it. So the sadism negative effects on women in society cannot be solved by this revolutionary measure.

The solution to this dilemma is found in the animal world and consists in the certain pre-courtship stages, in which both potential partners participate. These stages were then taken over by the stable, conservative human society, regardless the level of the technological development of that civilization. These steps complement the 4 rules preceding the courtship , after they have been fulfilled. They were not clearly described in a global study, or in a certain custom, but learned from the family through personal examples. However, these stages have functioned in the healthy area of human society since ancient times, as well as in most species developed in the mammal world, that is, the closest animals to us. These stages are the following (I am referring to the male and the female in the animal world as the man and the woman in human society):

1. The female availability. In the animal world, the female signals the mating availability, through sound, olfactory, auditory and visual means. In human society this is done especially by visual means, by the feminine flirting, by her costume and other beautify methods.

2. The male response. In the animal world, the male smells, hears, sees or feels the female mating availability in other ways. Then he tries to impress her with personal qualities of beauty, ability or strength (eliminating rivals or other gestures). In human society this is done through gallant gestures such as the offering flowers or other gifts, the politeness (sometimes excessive), singing, reciting poems, etc. In exceptional cases, the traditional society also used the duel between the claimants to the same woman in case she could not choose.

3. The female hesitation. In the animal world the female does not look impressed but circumspect. In the solitary predators species the female is even aggressive when the male approaches, although she was the one who had signaled her availability in the first place. In human behavior this is done by the woman shyness and her initial reserved attitude. Her hesitation is real, authentic or theatrical, hiding enthusiasm, which she later openly communicates with the entourage. Although it seems inadvertent in animal species or even hypocrisy in the human species, this stage has the role of the male maximum stimulation, a further test of his patience and his determination to mate. Also, this condition makes him show his best version, a decisive fact for the survival and prosperity of the new generation that result from the mating.

4. The male stagnation. It is the seduction moment peak, as followed by the previous point. In the animal world it is the right after moment following the fight with the rival or the start of losing interest in the female stagnation. After this moment, the female decides to take decisive steps towards mating, in order not to miss the optimal moment of the male's form. However, if his intentions can be further stimulated, the female keeps flirting with it for some time to reach his full potential. In these cases the male assumes the active role and chase the female until the next stage, when he mates with her.

5. The female final acceptance. This is the moment when the female decides to make a step towards the confused male that went to the point of giving up the courtship or she no longer avoids contact with him as in the third stage. From now on, the male's body may could get damaged by injury or he may enter into a form recoil, and this fact is inopportune for reproduction. The animal sexuality is largely built around this stage. Without the final female acceptance and the sexual intercourse initiation by her, mating is not possible. In herbivorous species where the males are fiercely fighting each other, this stage is useless, as the fights are already getting the most out of the male potential.

The sexuality and mating behavior specific to the human species follow those from the animal world. The difference is that the approaching partners’ stages are longer in humans. The courtship pre-stages of the are on the one hand acts of demonstration of the physical abilities or protection for the babies that will be born. They must be born exactly in the peak period of food resources. The mating season in the animal world is governed by the cycles of nature and the food abundance. On the other hand, the courtship pre-stages are non-aggression pacts, which the partners promise to each other during the mating. In the mammals and other species, the females are vulnerable during physical intimacy. In the predatory species females exposes to the male the most fragile area, the throat. Therefore, the completion of these stages and gaining the trust of the partner is an indispensable condition for pairing.

These stages have often been ignored in history and the result has been the deterioration of couple relationships. Initially men ignored them, and then the women did too. Due to the differentiated weapons, some could much more easily impose their domination on others, and implicitly on women. The women were conquered by threat and even violence with a superior army rather than through the 5 pre-courtship stages. This is how rape begun in history, with all the negative consequences in the human culture, which we know. That is why, in traditional human societies, the role of men in courtship and decision making is much bigger than in the male animal. The discrimination against women is very visible in these moments of history. From this point of view, the general feminism (either radical or moderate) claims towards the traditional exclusion of women from marriage decisions are justified. The traditional man has taken on far larger responsibilities than the woman. Such an overrating of the man's contribution to the couple's relationship construction and strengthening had an unpleasant setback, respectively that of women's feelings freezing. The affective that reinforces the couple has been replaced by the emotional blackmail and the strict rules. Actually, the intimacy relationship has been replaced with the official one.

That is why it is better that these stages shall be understood as preceding to the courtship, just like the preceding rules the courtship. Accessing into their counting does not mean proper courtship until after the fifth stage of the female acceptance, even if in the animal world and even in the human species it often means sexual coupling. That means the courtship end and the love relationship beginning. From here the proper rules of courtship and strengthening the love relationship are established by the good manners code. The rules of this code vary from one geographical area to another, but it has a common denominator: the patience towards the steps of building the relationship and focusing on the woman wishes, putting them on the foreground. Regarding this set of preceding stages, they are by no means the courtship beginning stages, but another set of eliminatory tests for the courtship beginning. Only if the man passes the 5th stage, meaning that the woman gave him a clear signal that he can advance in the more explicit signals, then he can speak of a courtship beginning in the proper sense of the term, in which both partners consent. Until then, there is only a male attempt to courtship, which is not equivalent to the female's acceptance.

If we consider these preceding stages as proper courtship stages, then it could be interpreted that the signs offered by the male in the second stage would be a courtship sufficient condition, which is not fair. And that's exactly the problem in our hasty society; the women are subjected to too explicit messages of initiation courtship trying, which has become unpleasant for many. The lack of response or of enthusiasm to the second stage is a sign that the woman does not accept courtship. Thus she should not be pressed with more explicit messages of acceptance. So, if the man starts the courtship through the stage 2, that doesn't mean he institutes it until the woman responds positively.

A sexual relationship based on fear and threats can be made only on short term. But in the long run, such a thing goes nowhere. That is why the human culture has returned to these courtship stages from the animal world. As the male animal does, the human male waits for the woman's final acceptance to complete the long-term affection, engagement or marriage relationship. The leap over these stages assimilated by the traditional culture involves risks that everyone calculates according to its own interests.

The first pre-courtship stage is mistaken with the last one by both men (Casanova) and some feminist women. Ignoring the good manners code in the matter of courtship, as well as the contemporary social emancipation that gradually excluded the corporal punishment, made some men violate both the pre-courtship general rules and stages as well as the good manners already stated, applicable within the couple. The mammal female availability for mating, communicated through the olfactory, auditory or visual messages, does not mean that she mates with any male. The exception is the endangered species, with few individuals, where the new generations must be conceived at any cost. But the humanity is not in this situation. The sexuality biological role is that of selecting the best individual to perpetuate their genes and to mate. The availability of mating comes with it a male hierarchy. In mammals, such a hierarchy is created by fighting between males. These are constant in large populations’ species. In small populations ones, possibly endangered, such as tiger or spotted leopard (Clouded leopard) the meeting between individuals are so rare that there is no time for fighting. In humans, fights can become dangerous, so hierarchy has other rules.

In humans there is the same pattern of mating as that existing in mammals. The presence of a beautiful woman on the street does not mean that she has given her consent for the courtship, to form a relationship, according to the above stage 5. The Casanova men believe that the female role is eminently passive, behaves like soldiers who besieged and conquered a city, and rapes its women without giving them the right to decide. From this point of view, the feminism is right when it resembles this type of emotional predator with rapists, although, I showed here the attempt initiating the courtship is not a rape.

If the Casanova-type male mentality exaggerates the role of the male in the act of mating, the radical feminist mentality is at the opposite pole, as extremist as the misogynistic. This one exaggerates the female / woman role in the dynamics of mating. The exclusive female courtship initiation theory falls into the opposite extreme. This is not the case in the animal world. The herbivore male mating season does not depend on the female sent, sound and visual calls. Both sexes enter the mating season depending on the earth seasons and the vegetation abundance cycles, which basically means food abundance. The female does not accept the male for mating only during a certain period, "when she feels like". The female olfactory signals became clear clues later that the male must follow that particular individual. But he is sexually active before the female signals and constantly tries to see what female is receptive, as shown in the following video:



The refusal from some of them proves that they are not ready and the male is. Same is the case in humans, often.

At the sea lion the mating takes place on a certain shore, where the males arrive a few weeks before the females. The logic of such behavior lies in the difference in body mass between males and females. As much bigger, they can crush them in the struggles for territory and domination that they initiate between them, before they come.

It could be interpreted that the first pre-courtship stage would be the same as the exclusive female courtship initiation, and then there would be no debate on this issue because both variants would be one and the same. But between the two variants there are radical differences. The first pre-courtship stage is really decided by the woman / female by her very presence and the potential availability for mating. But at this point, her role is mainly passive with regard to the outside. She is only active inwardly, in her own person, in the way she looks and communicates. She shows availability signals to the entire spectrum of potential partners. In no case can be claimed that she would be active in creating a couple with all the potential males she attracts and with whom she communicates the availability to mate. Only after they display their qualities and interest according to the second and fourth pre-courtship stage she choose, and her role becomes more active. But still it is not very active, as radical feminism argues with the theory of exclusive female courtship initiation. This theory gives from the first place a very active role for the woman in the dynamics of courtship. The courtship initiation is an explicit sign that she gives to a person from whom it appears that she is interested in forming a loving couple relationshp.

There is no animal species numerically comparable to human species, or in the top of the food chain, that the female would exclusively initiate the mating. This happens only partially in the cases of the endangered species, with very few individuals. For example, in the case of tigers or snow leopards in certain areas of the planet, the female clearly signals the availability of mating. When she is available to have cubs she is actually looking for a male. In addition to olfactory signals, it also emits sound signals. The male responds to his advances, and after take place the courtship then the final mating.

The mating behavior in the animal world is not initiated solely by the female, but only encouraged by her. The approaching is also done by the male, according to the above stages. The female only leaves signals so that they become perceptible to the male. After launching them, she stays in the area and waits. As I mentioned, these signals do not necessarily mean that the male would have her consent. If another male appears in the area, then there will be a fight between them to establish a hierarchy, and the winner has a chance of mating. In other species, the female chooses the male that she finds suitable or has better qualities.

However, the mating behavior in which the female is very active in the mating behavior that produces babies is one of crisis. It only makes sense when the species is threatened with extinction, and males are rarely found. The need for fast mating and optimal birth, without the related selections that the males make between them, is explained by the species main interest for the breeding done under any conditions. Both in the wild and in the human civilization, males/men are the ones who struggle to enter into the grace of females. Even in the species where females are much stronger than the males, they are the ones who initiate close pairing. This is the case in hyenas, some spiders or the mantis. There are species where mating rituals confirm the consent of both couple members for sexual intercourse. But there are also species where the only ritual is the struggle between males to establish superiority and physical efficiency. The female has a somewhat more passive role in this case, but not absolutely passive; if it is not at the right time, she can reject the male's advances, even if he has is alpha *.

From these pre-courtship rules we observe that the couple's relationship is usually created with small steps both in the animal and in the human civilization. The signs that the potential partners make in advancing the courtship should be subtle, so that elegant refusal would be possible. So an exclusively female courtship initiation, as feminism proposes, may not lead to a healthy relationship if the couple does not go through these stages. In front of a woman who is offered, the man most often accepts an unconditional response to the female availability, according to the mammals’ typical male sexuality. But that does not mean that the love relationship will be successful in the long run. The lack of attention of the man towards the woman whole personality can make him leave this relationship sooner or later. This can bring unpleasant consequences for the woman who gave herself too easily, without testing the man's willingness to love her for a (longer) time. Such initiation can have beneficial outcomes for disguised prostitutes , lesbians, or histrionic women . The first ones do not want a long-term relationship, but only a stagnation until an even richer man appears on the horizon. The same happens for the histrionic women. The lesbians do not want to be bothered at all. Thus, the exclusive female courtship initiation is well suited for these types of women but it can be disastrous for heterosexual common women, who want a long-term couple relationship. I will write about these things in more detail in the following article .



* An exception to this rule is that of the Tazmanian devils, where the male often abducts the female (usually in a fight), and rapes her continuously for several days. But this exception does not change the rules of sexual behavior for the rest of species.

Gabriel Baldovin