As I shown in the previous article, the sexual harassment consists in the artificial consent obtained from the victim for intimate relationships, through manipulation, blackmail and threatening, but not naturally, through normal emotional intimacy evolution. In addition to sexual harassment, there is another kind of non-violent emotional-sexual abuses. They act on the background of the victim's natural consent for intimacy or on the certain prospect of obtaining it. The victim openly wants a normal couple relationship with the person that asks for consent without knowing that it is an abuser. Unfortunately, the abuser only plays with the other's mind, taking advantage of the specific vulnerability to any relationship beginning.
These abuses consist in simulating the couple's intimacy relationship and their sudden temporary or total abandonment. The interest of such behavior is either gaining too much sexuality freedom in terms in respect to the other society members, or gaining the material advantages from the partner, or a certain cynical sadistic satisfaction of its emotional sufferance observing. This reveals the separating anxiety. Although these abuses are not associated with physical or verbal violence, they bring scars at least as painful to the victims as the other ones.
Another differentiation of these abuses from sexual harassment is the gender. Although men are considered the only abusers, the reality is that women too can turn into abusers of natural consent in the couple's relationship. The percentage of men and women who are emotionally abused is quite close in the last two of the three groups described below, in which this type of abuse exists. Only in the first category the ratio between men and women similar to that of sexual harassment.
As I said above, there are three types of nonviolent abuse of the couple, as follows:
- 1. The undeclared or imposed polygamy;
- 2. The undeclared (Masked) prostitution to the client;
- 3. The histrionic seductive behavior;
Next I will analyze each one in detail.
3.1. The undeclared or forced polygamy
1. To avoid any confusion I use the term polygamy as open relationship, meaning the availability to have romantic relationships with several people, whether or not they are officially registered as such in a certain state institution. The polygamy has been and still is punished in some cultures. Even in the Western culture it was harshly punished in the past and is not commonly accepted today. It is considered abnormal in the western space by the followers of conservatism in matters of everything, and implicitly also in loving relationships. According to that mentality, having a romantic relationship with another person is called cheating on the official partner.
In the past there were plenty of reasons to condemn the polygamous relationships. The most important reason was the fear to bring sexually transmitted diseases to the official partner. The second reason was the pregnancy of the adulterous woman, which affected her husband's pride, as there were usually temperamental or characteristic incompatibilities involved between him and the child, the entourage mocking and others. The third reason was and still is the social imbalance created by a man who has more wives or lovers.
Out of these 3 reasons for banning or condemning polygamy, the first two have become out of date in the contemporary Western society lifestyle. The contemporary medicine reached such a level that this behavior is no longer a partner's deception in the sense of the precautions that people ere concerned about in the past. The contraception methods or the sexual protection basically exclude the possibility of infesting the regular partner with the sexually transmitted diseases. It is only the social imbalance produced by polygamy practiced exclusively by men as in some countries that remains an issue. If the polygamy were only practiced by a minority of very rich men in the community, this would not be very disturbing. However, the number of women is higher than that of men because generally men killed each others in the wars over time. But if a significant percentage of the male population consistently has multiple monogamous partners then invariably the other segment will statistically remain unlikely to get married and socially fulfilled. And from here there arise a lot of other problems that spill over to the individual personal freedoms. We know very well the female clothing rule in the Arab countries where most of the body is hidden. Such a rule also has the function of not causing subsequent unwanted sexual behaviors for single men.
The monogamists are conservative-minded people. Their model is their grandparents and great-grandparents that did the same activities throughout their lives, without the facilities of today's lifestyle. They stayed together all their lives and were faithful. But the contemporary Western lifestyle allows for much higher mobility and meeting other potential sexual partners. A liberal mindset sees no crime in polygamy. And it does not have to be a crime if it is openly declared to and naturally consented to by the partner, and also is not forbidden to women. This last rule eliminates the problem of disproportionate marriage mentioned above. In their work „American Couples - Money- Work - Sex” , Blumstein Philip si Pepper Schwartz found that in the United States 6% of men and 5% of women are involved in the heterosexual extramarital relationships. According to the same study, 15% of couples accepted the possibility of future extramarital relations after initial discussions with their official partner. It can be deduced that not meeting yet an attractive partner has led to this percentage decreasing in terms of putting into practice this desire. There are two situations in which the polygamy becomes an abuse, respectively when it is not declared to the partner or when it is forced into a conservative mentality. Below I will describe these cases.
The undeclared polygamy either towards the couple official partner or for the newly co-opted one in the relationship is an abuse because it does not allow it to choose whether wants such a relationship or not. People who practice it do not communicate to their potential partner their status as a couple, and give the impression that they are single, in search of a stable monogamous relationship. The victim often has a conservative (monogamous) mentality and strives to build it, investing emotionally in it. Very often the undeclared polygamists are not interested in building a long-term relationship with the victim, but only in entering into a relationship with it for a certain period. Although the women can commit also this type of abuse, however, in this case the men do it to a greater extent. According to trustify.info the infidelity has been practiced by 22% of men and 14% of women in the United States. This statistics also includes the passenger relationships, which usually remain unknown to the partner and do not affect it.
The cases of undeclared polygamy are mainly done by men, but sometimes women too, who leave for several days for job reasons or get relocated for a longer period of time, or who stay away from family for various other causes. During this period, they are looking for a temporary partner who replaces the official family for a certain period. After the end of the travel period, the abuser breaks the temporary relationship and returns to his/her marriage or relationship, leaving behind real wounds to the abandoned partner, as a result of the separation. That person is left with the bitter feeling of "substitute", of a place that belongs to another one.
People with a conservative monogamous mentality have reason to feel deceived by polygamous partners whether they are hidden or declared. It is reasonable that the aspect of parallel sexual relationships to the official marital couple ones should be openly discussed by the partners before formalizing the relationship into marriage so that there would be no further frustrations. If one partner changes its mentality from monogamous to polygamous throughout the relationship, it is normal to discuss this aspect with the partner regardless of consequences.
The imposed polygamy is an abuse initially practiced by the upper area of the social pyramid privileged ones, as I have shown in the previous article . As obtruded by them, the imposed polygamy also becomes a norm for those below in social hierarchy by imitation. There is a very high predisposition to reach the privileged ones and to imitate their lifestyle. Following their example, but without their social framework that benefit from, the lower social status ones are caught in the real traps. The prospect of a rapid social status climbing determines them to accept very well paid jobs although very stressful, or deviant from the moral or legal social rules. The higher emotional suffering after working in these conditions, the bigger tendency for polygamous deflation. These people are tyrants in the spaces where they spend their free time, causing frustration to others, who are trying to respond back. This creates a contagion of abuses, starting from the top of the social pyramid to its base. The apparent opulence causes the weak ones to enter a toxic hierarchy and accept the execution of stressful orders. They believe that they can thus enter their idyllic entourage if they accept such orders, but in reality they will experience social uprooting. The illusion of receiving higher liberties actually leads to the loss of more important ones.
The polygamy strengthens a false self-esteem for this kind of men. They face frustrations in their social life, whether at work, in the family, or in the community. In their minds the polygamy is equivalent to the alpha male status, never abused always abusive. The access to the rest of the females is a sign of strengthening this primitive illusion. The search for intimate relationships with more women thus fuels an illusion of liberation from these traumas anguish. The more a person accepts the stressful or inhuman orders humility at work on the hierarchical scale, the more it needs to defuse these frustrations in polygamous behavior, or to another kind of abuses.
Seduced by this perspective of social ascension and by the emancipation from the psychical pressures burdens that the powerful ones bring on the middle or base of the social pyramid, many women accept such temporary luxury prostitution when they have such an "opportunity." The contemporary social privileged ones, with access to money, have taken the liberty to have any woman by various couples harassment strategies. The polygamy is normal when it comes to someone of the personal liberties extension but also when it comes the partner ones in the matter of sexual relationships. Unfortunately, when the polygamy happens, most of the times it is not an extension of the couple's freedoms but an imposed by pressure prostitution and practiced for survival or social ascension.
In the past, only the religiously worshiped kings could boast such abusive liberties over others. Today any owner of several hundreds of thousands of euros can easily choose a sexual partner from the street, using as instrument the very social framework, which is essentially abusive.
In the next article I will analyze the second category of non-violent couple abusers, respectively the persons who practice undeclared (Masked) prostitution over their partners that don’t suspect about being extorted.
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